Coffee Meets Bagel.

At this point, I feel like I’ve tried all the dating apps in existence. Tinder, Bumble, OKC, POF… and now.. Coffee Meets Bagel.

I discovered the app when I went on a Tinder date with a guy named Karim while I was in Vietnam. He happened to be a developer and convinced his employer that he could do the job while living aboard. So he, like Nick, was looking for love in a sea full of travelers.

I landed back home and decided to download the app. The thing about CMB is that you get *one* curated match per day (well, more if you’re a girl & there’s not enough users for the algorithm to really work in your favor). Eek. Swipe, swipe, swipe, left, left, left. I could tell it was an app created by a bunch of tech nerds, because those were it’s primary users.

After a few swipes, I started giving in to anyone that kinda, maybe, could possibly be good looking.

I match with a Jew-Fro’d dude named Ethan. We exchange some chat & agree to meet up at my favorite cocktail bar. (Listen, you’re not supposed to do this, but I was broke & wanted a fancy cocktail… for free.)

First off, he doesn’t look anything like his photos and he’s about my height. Which I don’t really care about, but it’s not working in his favor.

The conversation starts off as it usually does – work, play, interests, stories… As the time passes I find myself asking more & more boring questions to fill the void… He says..

“So what else?”

… What do you mean “What else?” I ask.

“I don’t know, you’re such an interesting person.”

….. Bruh… What’s the point of this? I’m telling you some stories about my life & expect the same in return, yet here I am, doing ALL OF THE FUCKING WORK. I am visibly annoyed at this point, ready to go, and downed two $15 cocktails. He pays, of course.

We’re walking out in the parking lot and I’m like, “Well, it was nice meeting you.”

This mother fucker turns me around and tries to MAKE OUT WITH ME… “Whoa, uh sorry, I have a cold sore and we shouldn’t…”

How did he not get the point earlier? Do I look like I’m having a good time when I’m sighing loudly and rolling my eyes? Do I give off that I’m interested when I say, “oh, well look at the time, gotta go”?

I settle for awkward Christian side hug and scurry off towards my favorite bar across the street.

Ethan, you’d be great for a girl that likes playing board games at someones house & drinking craft IPAs on the weekends, I’m sorry I’m not that girl. Thanks for the cocktails and good luck. XOXO

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