Short & Sweet

Morgan and I matched on Tinder, made plans the same day, and he took 3 hours to respond to confirm. So, I moved on with my day as our time had approached and passed. After he begged and begged me to meet up with him… I gave in and we met up anyways.

This is one of a handful of times I have tried to meet someone my own age – 25 at the time – and wow, did I learn my lesson.

He picked me up at the gas station by my house – cause I’m not fucking stupid – and we went to a kinda-hipster-local-hangout bar in my neighborhood. (I live in Caucasia, ok?) I got a drink and we found our seats at a booth. The pain ensued.

I was already not feeling this guy, but to make matters worse, Morgan started leaning over the table to put his head in his arms and ask me question after question:

“Why is your hair that color?”

“Are you like a hipster or something?”

“No, I’m not drinking.” (So yes, I sat there, drinking by myself, waiting for the minutes to pass.)

“What do you even do around here?”

“Wow, I’m really tired.”

In hindsight, I wish I had just got up and left, but I raced through a rollercoaster of thoughts. At first I felt insecure… am I hipster? Why is my hair this color? What do I even do around here? But then I realized that I’m not a fucking bro that drives a Prius, lifts weights in West Seattle, and has no other relevant hobbies or interests.

Finally, I said, “I gotta get home, gotta be up early in the morning. You can drive me home.”

It was a silent ride for the mile it took to get to my house. I was trying to find the words to say, but I couldn’t without being mean.

Where did you personality go? Have you gotten this far in life solely on your mediocre bro looks? Thanks for the ride home. Unmatch.

EDIT: My best friend, Emi, matched with him on Tinder a year and a half later, invited him to the bar we were already at, and realized way too late that it was THIS Morgan…

When Morgan arrived, I decided to let Emi shine through and fake a “couple-off” with this guy at the bar named Eamon, who was 29 with a pet pig and worked at a grocery store. We played a few rounds of doubles ping-pong with Emi & Morgan while I pounded doubles in hopes that this awkward situation would end. Soon enough, I discovered he was in love with my 19 year old coworker.

Morgan tried really hard to gain a second chance with Emi, but I think she discovered for herself that bland personality cannot overcome good looks. They didn’t work out.

Eamon & I didn’t work out, and Eamon & my 19 year old coworker didn’t work out.

Back to the drawing board.